OCD Mindset: Perfectly Imperfect with Priscilla Cabrera

 

Four years ago, is when I really, I began feeling like what I had accomplished was not good enough. My career was not good enough. My life was not good enough. Initially I thought to myself, okay I am not satisfied so what can I do that can satisfy this feeling of NOT ENOUGH.  

My daughter was not even a month old when I began my Masters. In 2019, I opened my first online boutique which did not go as planned. In 2020, I started my life coach certification (Currently still working on it). I started this journey to satisfy my feeling of not enough and not accomplished. 

Until recently, I learned that 75% of this feeling was my OCD telling me I was not good enough. OCD was telling me that I had not accomplished anything and you need to do more. Harsh right! Having just graduated with my Masters and I did not feel accomplished. I thought to myself, I need my PhD and just maybe then I will feel accomplished? But really thinking about it, I thought to myself will I ever feel accomplished? Having achieved the highest degree, will I feel that feeling of accomplishment and being proud of myself? 

 

I am 20 times harder on myself, I am 20 times meaner to myself and I have OCD to thank for that. I literally have to remind myself of my accomplishments. Like, verbally saying out loud my accomplishments to truly feel like I am enough. 

For those of you that are new and are reading my Blog for the first time, I was diagnosed with OCD just a few months ago. Having lived my whole life with this mental disorder, I simply survived. Thinking my entire life had changed with a simple diagnosis was the end of me. But NO. I had to remind myself that the only thing that changed was the terminology and a diagnosis. 

OCD is a doubt disorder. It makes you doubt everything about yourself and even your memories. It can definitely feel like a mind game. A mind game, that can drive you insane as I felt early May of 2021. The person who seen me on the verge of going crazy, my momma. Although she tried to help me as much as she could, I can honestly say she kept me sane and reminded me that a little girl needed me! 

Many people seen me but not truly saw me. I was broken on the inside; I was hurting and I was walking on eggshells. 

OCD is a chronic condition, there’s no cure for this mental disorder. We simply learn how to live with it by learning techniques and skills that we implement daily. The last therapy session, I had with my therapist she told me that I caught on really quick on how to handle OCD and that she seen the change that most patients take a long time to grasp. 

What helped me, was distinguishing my OCD from me.

 Scary huh! OCD and an individual are not the same person. OCD makes you feel these negative energies and feelings that take over your mind while the real you is hidden behind the OCD. That is what truly helped me. Knowing that I am not my thoughts. Knowing that I am not the person OCD makes me to be.

But also, knowing I how felt May 2021, I knew I never wanted to go back to that head space. Because I do not know if I can survive another episode. I told myself, I would not allow myself to get there again. Albeit I was terrified with ERP, I knew I had to put the work in, in order to overcome and prosper in this life. 

 

1 in 100 adults are diagnosed with OCD. In the United States, 2-3 million adults are diagnosed with OCD. It is common, you are not alone. If you are suffering with any mental disorder, please seek help. I promise you it gets better. You will overcome. You will live.

 

 

Until Next Time, 

 

From Yours Truly, Perfect Imperfect Priscilla