OCD & Education

 

I felt proud! Opening up that mail, seeing my name on that degree. I could say, I did get teary. I finished my Master’s degree May 2021 but OCD took that feeling of proudness from me. I was not able to experience the feeling of achievement after working so hard for 4 long years. I had to verbally remind myself of what the last for years for me was like. Who knew that a piece of paper could hold so much meaning? I did not think that I would get to experience such a feeling again. Truly reminded me how to appreciate the small moments because I knew how it felt to live with no meaning. Wake up feeling worthless, wake up feeling like giving up and what hurt me the most playing with my daughter and not being able to be emotionally and mentally present with her. I prayed that I would get out of that hole I was in, I prayed that I wouldn’t experience that ever again but I also prayed for God to take me because I could not live with that feeling another day. 

 

Most of my life, I doubted myself. I doubted everything about me. OCD is a doubting disorder and it is also a disorder that can make you question yourself. I always felt like I was not smart enough, maybe because since elementary my reading and spelling was not quite good. I remember having to take “special” classes in middle/high school to help me out. Now, maybe that paid off? Or maybe it hindered me and fueled my doubts? I remember being in college and turning in a paper and I thought to myself, “Damn I am smart.” Crazy to think I lived a life where I didn’t believe in myself. 

 

I can honestly say that actually finding out I had this disorder was a blessing. Albeit I can say that when I was going through it, I didn’t understand WHY. Why did I have to go through this at this particular time. Now, I can see it. I can see why I was destined to go through my second episode which hit hard. One, not only sharing my journey with OCD but also educating others. Two, it changed me as a person. It really took this diagnosis to really help me understand but most importantly to seek help. 

 

I feel blessed, that I was able to feel proud again. Imagine working so hard for something and not feeling a sense of happiness or proudness. I am so thankful that I was able to have that feeling again. Able to feel accomplished.

 

The late nights. 

Sacrificing time with my little one to study. 

Stressing out when a paper was due. 

The tears that were shed. 

 

All for my little one who is watching me accomplish these goals and some. 

 

Maliah, remember that no matter what adversity you face know you can push through. You may feel at times like it is hard to continue but know it gets better. You have to fight for your dreams, fight with heart, fight with compassion and most importantly fight for you. 

 

Until Next Time, 

 

From Your Truly, Perfectly Imperfect Priscilla