Loneliness: Perfectly Imperfect with Priscilla Cabrera
Loneliness: Perfectly Imperfect with Priscilla Cabrera
Lonely: sad because one has no friends or company, without companions; solitary.
- Oxford Languages
At a really young age I always felt lonely. Lonely in a sense of feeling empty inside and two which I don’t like to talk about friendships.
I do not know why, at very young age I found it difficult to make friends. I remember I always wanting to be with my mom, stuck to her like glue. She would always tell me go play with the girls your age. For some reason, I always found it hard.
Looking back into my struggles with friendships, I can relate that to OCD. OCD can make you feel like you are not good enough, making you nervous to how others will perceive you or simply being liked.
(I mean I’m sure others think I was irrelevant to them and maybe I still am. But Now I know I am a Bad As Bitch)
Living with OCD, you feel extra cautious and do things, say things to please others. That was me! I would act accordingly. I tried my best to be “cool’ and be liked by everyone.
I remember being in middle school, I was in 8thgrade and at that time I assumed that I had a good group of friends. It was nutrition, that’s what we called our first break at school. And I remember we would always meet at a certain spot and I waited. I could not find my so-called friends. So, I walked around looking for them. I saw them, so I called out their names and sure enough they walked away. More like ran away. I thought to myself, what did I do wrong that they would not want to be my friend anymore? We had been friends since we started middle school and now all of a sudden, they do not want to talk to me?
I was hurt. I came home crying.
I of course, did not even ask why they did not want to be friend. And I didn’t even bother to ask or beg them. Until this day I never knew why.
Luckily, I remember telling this girl at school. And I will never forget her telling me, I’m sorry. We will be your friend and you can hang out with us. I will always be grateful to her!
In high school, that same friend became my best friend. It was just the two of us. Shortly after she got pregnant and stopped coming to school. I caught myself being alone during nutrition and lunch. When I joined softball, I made some friends! Thank God. With my introvert self!
I think it was freshman year in HS.I feel like growing up people might have thought I was stuck up. But NOT AT ALL! I was an extreme introvert. I would get anxious being with a lot of people. Learning more about OCD, that is one of the characteristics of an individual. Well at least in my case.
Any who. It was 11th grade, I had quit softball because I wasn’t good. Let’s keep it real!
Shortly after, my friends found other friends and I found myself hanging out once again by myself in a classroom.
With feelings of loneliness and not good enough.
Then a girl in my class asked me you can hang out with me and my friends. She probably saw my loner self in the classroom hanging with the teacher. I found myself with a good group of friends. It made my senior year special and I was able to enjoy it!
It all makes sense now! The feelings of loneliness and emptiness.
Damn you OCD.
To this day, OCD wants to make you feel lonely. And in experiencing intrusive thoughts they all lead to me being alone.
That is my greatest FEAR.
At times I imagine what life would have been like not having OCD. I have always felt different. Not in a cocky sense but I never felt normal.
How I see it, I always wanted to be happy, feel complete and fill that void that I always had in me. Well in treating my OCD, I feel like it is a foot in the right direction.
For me, everything has a purpose. What we go through in life is meant to make us as a person. Our struggles, our losses, the hurt and the good it makes us the person we are today.
As a spiritual person, I believe God and the Universe have a mysterious way in working things out but the reality is the process of the journey is how we are made.
Being able to open up about my life with OCD, is not to brag and talk about just me (even though my blog is about me).
But because I felt alone in this experience, I felt like no one could relate to what I was going through. No one could understand.
Being honest with you, you might not even understand now. And that is okay!
To the people living with OCD, I know you understand me fully. To the family members of individuals who have OCD you are starting to understand a little or maybe not at all. That is okay too.
Mental health disorders are not something you can just shake off. Trust me if that were the case, it would have been shaken off a long time ago.
It’s a condition that we have to live with the rest of our lives. Learning new skills and tools to combat OCD, is remarkable. I am on week two seeing a therapist twice a week. And let me tell you, every session I learned something new about myself about OCD and how OCD was present in all aspects of my life and I didn’t even realize it.
So join me weekly, for weekly updates on my recovery and life outside of OCD.
Until Next Time,
From Your Truly, Perfectly Imperfect with Priscilla Cabrera
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