Learning About Myself at the age of 28: Perfectly Imperfect with Priscilla Cabrera

It has officially been three weeks having therapy twice a week. Its mind blowing that it took me roughly 23 years to seek help. 23 years of my life living half alive, dramatic right! It’s true! I like to think that everything happens for a reason and at that right moment it is supposed to happen. For all I know, I could have ended up in the psychiatric ward, again dramatic! Until recently, OCD has been misdiagnosed with other mental illnesses. Individuals would get the wrong treatment and continue to have episodes of anxiety, panic attacks and compulsions. I would love to say that OCD is curable but it’s not! This is a chronic disorder; we simply learn how to live with it. 

Within these last couple weeks, I have learned so much about myself that it’s like meeting me for the first time. OCD kept me from doing so many things in life that I once avoided or never tried because I was worried about being judged, not being good enough and simply afraid. For those of you that do not know, OCD is a doubting disorder. It basically questions, everything you do, you are, questions your morals and values. Boy I have learned that OCD defined and controlled me for so many years. 

When I fell into my second episode, I felt mentally weak and vulnerable. Keeping it 100, I am a strong person mentally. Like I take no crap, give no crap and I always come out stronger no matter the situation at hand. This time around, it became too much for me. I felt like a fragile little thing that could break at any given moment. I literally was thinking; I need to check myself into a facility that specializes in OCD. I WAS TRULY ON THE VERGE OF NO COMING BACK. For me, the hardest part was putting on a smile when I felt completely broken on the inside. Crying uncontrollably for no reason. I literally cried for a whole month every single day. Of course, it wasn’t all day but every day I would shed some tears. It got a point where my mom had to tell me, you can’t cry in front of Maliah because it was starting to affect her. 

I knew I had to pull it together somehow! I couldn’t let my daughter see me broken! So, I would cry in the shower. The only place where she is not with me. Those tears let so much pain out! Just yesterday, we were praying to God before heading to bed. When I say pray, I mean have a conversation with God and Maliah brought up, “& mommy was crying.” She remembered! Of course, she did. Kids are like sponges! I had to explain to her as I did then, mommy wasn’t feeling good mentally.  Obviously, I couldn’t get down to the facts with her because I want to protect her purity but I had to let her know mommy wasn’t okay. But I kept my promise, told her I would get better! Fast forward three weeks later and I am already seeing results from therapy. 

Let’s talk about therapy. Some of you might be thinking it’s that talking therapy where you sit on a couch and talk about your feelings. Well that’s good too but not for individuals who battle with OCD. Our therapist teach is a technique called ERP, Exposure Response Technique. Basically, where you face your fears and allow yourself to feel the anxiety, the stress, the guilt, the shame and allow yourself to sit there without doing any compulsions. Luckily, I never got to the point where I had to do compulsions all the time. I will say this, when I was younger, I remember when leaving the house, I would have to check 5-10 times if the door was locked. It lasted for a few days until I finally snapped out of it. To this day, when I leave the house, I have to triple check if the stove if off or if I closed the door properly. I literally go to side door comeback and repeat its off in order for me to leave the house comfortably. I mean it can get pretty insane at times. This doesn’t happen often. So now I am learning to check once and sit with the uncertainty if the stove is actually off. OCD makes you think your house is going to burn if you do not check several times before heading out. 

For me, doing mental compulsions is what helped me and did me a disservice growing up. I would have intrusive thoughts and I would mentally stop them and do something to distract me. Occupying your time, is good but the reassurance feeds your OCD. Learning to live with uncertainty is scary but that is the key to overcoming OCD. Using the phrase, “It may or may not…” has become a life saver and game changer. In the beginning, I am like how is this little phrase going to help with how I feel! Boy did I judge! I live by that phrase! If ya’ll hear me, just know I am doing an ERP!  

 

I remember just three weeks ago I felt like I couldn’t make another day and now I am feeling on the contrary! There are good days and there are bad days but the most important aspect is having the tools and skills to overcome my intrusive thoughts. Although no one can really avoid what comes to mind, our reaction and feelings can change. I am living proof, that it can get better. Do not give up. Seek help. I promise you it gets better. 

 

Until next time!

From yours truly, Perfectly Imperfect Priscilla Cabrera